The beginning of freedom.

Here I am again. To continue my story....

So here's 2007 and, well,...it came and went. Now 2008 was here and I was supposed to keep working & be good at my job and have relationships and be a respected leader in my church and a good daughter and oh yeah, keep a smile on my face. But it was getting tiring and it was wearing on me. I mean, I didn't even know how I was going to get out of bed in the morning. But every morning, I had a text waiting for me from my amazing cousin. A text that I didn't expect but was always there. They were so simple, too. Just a 'Good morning. I love you. Have a great day.' kind of text but those texts got me out of bed in the morning. Those texts told me that I was important to someone. They told me that there was something worth getting out of bed for. So I did. I got out of bed. I showered. I got ready and I left the house. Every day. Now, not every day was horrible and I had very loving people in my life that helped more than I even knew at the time. Like when friends asked me over for some chinese. Or when one of my cousin's helped to decorate my room, to make it mine. Or when freinds wanted to drop off their kids to me, to help get my mind off things.

See, I'm a deep thinker...I'm an over-thinker and I hate that about me because all too often I get lost in my thoughts which are directly connected to my emotions which means major depression times for this girl. It started off small but then grew over the years and major anxiety took over about a year ago. But I'm jumping ahead a bit. I'll get back to that, I promise.

So, 2008 came and went and 2009 was beginning to look a lot like '08. I knew I had to do something. I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take the nagging memories or the hurt, or the pain, or the anger that was building up that I kept ignoring and pushing it further down which only made my emotional state worse. So, I packed my life and moved to Michigan to attend Douglas J. Aveda Beauty Institute. One of the best decisions of my life. And I know God's hand was in every moment of that year. From the family that took me in as one of their own to my classmates that put a smile on my face every time I think about them. God knew what I needed that year and He gave it to me. But when I returned home after graduating, the nagging memories, hurt, pain and anger were still there. So, I knew I had to do something. I knew I had to be healed. So, I began that journey. And ohhh, what a journey it has been...stay tuned.

Happy? New Year.

First of all, sorry for the long wait. Busyness & exhaustion...not good excuses but I'm back. Oh yeah, and I'm kind of dreading this whole telling my story thing...because my story isn't exactly full of rainbows & butterflies. But it is, my story. So let's get to it.

I remember the moment that my world turned upside down like it was yesterday. A bright december day, the kind where the sun shines so bright that you forget it's winter. I had on sweats and a t-shirt. I was sitting in our green recliner in the living room reading "Every Young Woman's Battle". My brother had his friends over and they were all fooling around with him in the living room, which had me laughing..until they started joking about something that wasn't so funny. Something that now, seems so unimportant but as soon as I heard it, it shook me to my core because I knew that nothing was going to be the same. I realized that my father wasn't the father that I thought he was. Well, that was only the beginning. So the ball started rolling. And, it didn't stop. That Christmas day I remember standing in the doorway to my grandmother's dining room with everyone sitting around the table laughing, talking and having a great time, as we did every Christmas day since I can remember. I knew, in that moment, that Christmas day would never be the same again.

So when everyone else was getting ready to start a new year, anticipating a fresh start, I was dreading the months/years ahead.

Over the next few months, it seemed as though the light percipitation that we had been experiencing, quickly turned into hail...and it hurt. And there was no break in the weather as far as I could see. The hail was starting to leave permanent damage.

I am not here to speak ill of my dad. I am not here to take out all of my frustrations on him. Nor is it my intention to bring his shortcomings to light. My goal is to shine, speak and declare truth over my situation. And hopefully inspire someone who might be going through something similar.

The Saturday before Easter Sunday, April of 2007 my mom and I moved out of our home and into a two bedroom. I tried to make the best of it. We moved into a cute small town, one where everyone knows everyone. I like it. The apartment?..it's okay. It's not my home, though. Since that 2 bedroom, we've moved once more into another 2 bedroom where we now live.

I still wake up in the night disoriented and it takes me a minute to realize where I am and why I'm not in my old room. My bedroom with tan & saige green walls with my pink carpet that I had since I can remember. I miss that room. I miss that house. She was good to us. I feel bad for her. I feel bad that she had to see such sadness in our last days with her. We were ripped away from her so suddenly.. .I didn't even get to say goodbye.

The deeper the deceit and lies went, the deeper the hurt went and the more I died inside. This new year was getting old quick. The worst part was..it was out of my control. Nothing I could do could change anything. I was not good at allowing things out of my control. I didn't like this.

2007 was looking grim.

Did you feel that wind?

So...I guess I have to continue this blog, huh? Okay, here goes..

I grew up in a home and church where God was taught, talked about and in some ways forced upon us. I accepted Jesus in my heart at a very young age. I knew who God was. I didn't hang out with guys & girls in high school because no one was a Christian (Notice my sarcastic tone. Who am I to decide if someone is a Chrstian? Which is my point.). I couldn't hang out with people, especially guys outside of school because...well...didn't they do really bad things all the time? Yes, I was certain that they did and I couldn't be a part of those really bad things. Because then God wouldn't like me. So, I spent as much time at church or church events as much as I could. I had to. If I didn't, I wasn't really a Christian. I mean, isn't that how it works??

 I even went to a bible college after graduating from High School. I read my Bible as much as I could. I was a good Christian. I did all the right things. God was proud of me, I was sure of it. My life was floatin' along good and smooth.

I graduated from Elim Bible Institute and moved back home to start on my next grand adventure. I was so ready...couldn't have been more ready. I couldn't imagine what exciting thing God had for me next! I had done so many good things for Him, He surely had something amazingly great for me. Yeah...I was probably going to go overseas to some foreign land that no one had ever heard of to preach at them (yes, I said preach AT them) about God. Or be a youth leader to a group of teenagers that were messed up and needed someone to show them how to not be messed up anymore. Ooooh or meet a wonderfully tall and handsome man that knew his calling in life was to be a Pastor~yes, that was my goal. You can't get holier than that, right?

So, I was ready to get that call that some huge church needed a youth pastor. Or that someone in Africa needed help with their ministry. Or that the man of my dreams (the one who wore suits all the time and always smiled and would tell me how amazing I was all of the time and was ready to Pastor his own church) would walk into my church and the second our eyes met, would be love,...*sigh*..at first sight. I was ready for any one of those things to happen. So ready. So I waited.

And waited.

And... .waited.

All of a sudden, one day out of nowhere, it started. I got the call. I felt the whirlwind starting.

But, uhh, wait...this whirlwind was starting to scare me a little bit. It wasn't the kind that I was thinking of. It didn't have anything in it that I wanted. The worst part...I couldn't stop it. There was nothing I could do to change what was about to happen. It seemed as if a bad nightmare was unfolding before me.

All of the control that I thought I had was stripped from me. It was torn from my hands. This whirlwind was picking up every part of my life, hurling and destroying it in front of my eyes. Things that I once held so dear to me were gone. My life was about to change, drastically and fast. I didn't even have time to take a breath. Was my heart still beating? Because it felt like it might have stopped and I can't remember if it started again. Maybe that's because a part of me died back there..somewhere. And it was a sudden death, one that I was not expecting or ready for. This was nothing close to what I had in mind for my next adventure in life.

Wait, was this even my life?

Day One.

So...I guess I should say Hi and that I'm excited to share my life with you and that I can't wait to pour my heart out and allow you all in to some of the dark places inside of me that no one has ever been.

But none of that is true. My heart is beating so fast even as I type this. This will not be a blog for the faint of heart.

So, I guess this is your warning post.

The way I see it is if I have things that scare me to talk about, then you must also have things that scare you to talk about. So, that makes us relatable which gives me hope that you won't shut me out of your life after reading it.

Still want to tag along?

Now don't you worry...there will be laughter and there will be happiness and there will be hope.

But for me, my laughter, happiness and hope have definitely changed their forms. Which is why I wanted to do this.

So get ready. This is my story. The raw end of it.