Thursday, April 17, 2014

Happiness? I've got it covered.

A white wedding ball gown with a tiara, arm & arm with my father walking me down the aisle, a beautiful house in a newly built development, a perfect puppy, 5 children, a church leader husband who would get me & we would talk out all our disagreements, full-time ministry career and throw in there a perfectly fluffed pillow. Doing all of this while having Jennifer Anniston's body & hair. -My expectations of my happy future, in a nutshell. Yes, I thought this was all possible. 

Happiness? I had that covered. I had everything covered. Come on, I had my world perfectly crafted. Did I have a relationship with God? I had the BEST relationship with God. Did I trust Him, you ask? don't know what you're talking about. I grew up in the church, of course I trusted God-I said I did, didn't I? 
                                                                       I said a lot of things. And I was good at it. 

I mean, I did have a pretty good upbringing. I honestly don't know that I even knew what it meant to put my trust in God because, I never really needed to. So I never really did. But I had great hair...oh and the perfect shade of lipstick on, at all times.

For those of you that weren't taught the Bible growing up, or why it matters whether I trust God or not & what that has to do with my life...I'm no preacher, and I don't know it all but I do know that if it wasn't for God, I wouldn't be sitting here typing this blog out, plain & simple. That may be hard for you to understand. It would be for me, too, if I didn't grow up in a home & a church where I learned about God from the time I was born. I hope I can answer some of your questions about God through some of my posts & I hope you don't stop reading my posts just because I talk about Him. This is my heart. Not my preaching platform. Anytime you would like to share your heart with me, no matter what's inside, I would love to listen. This is just what's inside mine.

So, 7 years ago, if you were to ask me how my life was, I would've said, perfect. Because, I truly thought it was. Little did I know the secrets leering behind corners and crevices that I never bothered to look around because I really had no reason to. I had trusting God and being happy in. the. bag. Pshhh, nothing could have taken any part of my perfect happy life away from me.

Insert tornado, world falling apart here. Jump ahead 6 years (you can go back & read previous posts to reference my anxiety & fear ridden life from 2007-2013) and here we are. 

Happiness...what does it look like now? A white dress? More like about 10 colorful bridesmaids ones. Do I have a husband? Not even close. 5 children? Ha, I don't even know if that's possible anymore. A development home? No way. A perfect puppy? I'm not allowed to have pets in the apartment I'm living in. I even cringe at some of these things that I thought I wanted. So, if I had those things now, how would I feel? 

I could sit here & give you an updated and more realistic list of what I want for my life. A list that you wouldn't roll your eyes at and it would make perfect sense. But even if I could check off everything on that list today, it wouldn't make me truly happy. Will it add to my happiness? Yes, but I realized something... 
I realized that happiness isn't about getting what you want in life, but what you do with what you have right now. 

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Hi, I'm back.

I know that it's been a while since I posted last. And I know that I haven't kept up with this blog. And I now realize that I probably should have waited to start it until now...if you read my future posts, you'll find out why. My plan is to commit to posting once a week. My blog has a new look and a new title...because, it's a new blog. Let's get started.

As mentioned in earlier posts, I am here to tell my story. I have been realizing a lot lately that there is NO way I went through what I did for nothing. It can't be. It just can't. I have changed A LOT in the last 7 years, since tragedy struck my life. I am not the same person I was 7 years ago...and I didn't realize it as a good thing until now. 

It took me about 6 years to come to a place of peace & happiness. To go through the point where you don't know where that light at the end of the tunnel that everyone talks about is. Then to come out from that tunnel and have the sun shine on your face and you take your first deep breath in and out in a long first thought - this can't be real. I mean, I just went through, what I thought as hell on earth, and this is it? As you can tell, I'm not a glass half full type of person. When I came out from the other side of the dark, scary tunnel to life...right in front of me, the first thought that came to my mind was - What's next? And I don't mean the - life full of opportunity, can't wait to start living, I love my life what's next? I mean the - I can't be too happy because I'll be caught off guard again by something horrible. So, I was always looking for the - What's next? - so the rug wouldn't be ripped out from under my feet again. I know, I had the dream life everyone wanted :). But I created it myself. I had to protect myself from anything bad that could possibly happen to me. Because that's possible.

 So about 4 years into major anxiety and fear - I finally feel as though I've conquered it and I can start living...the part of my mind that was still scarred wouldn't let me. I wasn't able to truly allow myself to be happy because, I didn't believe that happiness was for me. I didn't believe that I could experience true happiness. It's actually still kind of hard for me to accept. It's funny how our minds want something...but your mind can come up with a gazillion reasons why and how that can't and can work. Our minds are tricky places. Which we have to guard and protect. I didn't know this until about a year ago. I so badly wanted to just forget EVERYTHING and live like everyone else! I wanted a life full of love and joy and marriage and babies and holiday gatherings and going after my dreams and just sunshine and happy tears ALL THE TIME. But reality is, no one is like anyone else. I'm not like you and you're not like me and it took me a long time to be okay with that, as well. I want what you have...because it looks so much cooler than what I have. At least you make it look that cool and I'm in no way that cool, so I want to be just like you...not me. That was a mindset that I have had since childhood. 

And who can be truly happy when you're looking at everyone else's happiness & wishing it was yours? Why can't I be truly happy with what I have?

Little did I know that that mindset would almost ruin me as an adult.