It was almost as though, I couldn't fall asleep last night until I typed this out. I had to get this down on paper.
When I lay down at night to go to bed, I for some reason, don't want to turn the lights off & go to sleep. The thought of just going into my room at night, getting in bed, turning the lights off & going to sleep is a lonely & unsettling thought. I also get that feeling when I'm laying on the couch. I should be focusing on just relaxing but all I can think about is: let's go, let's do something, I'm going to be 30 years old this year & I'm relaxing on the couch, in the apartment I live in, with my mother?!? I am going to be 30 this year & I still haven't met the man I'm going to marry?!? I never once, in all of my daydreaming about my future when I was younger, EVER imagined myself still relaxing on my mother's couch, i.e. still living with her at 30 years old! This is very unsettling for me. I feel as though, I should be doing more with my life. I should have something more to show for my life at 30.
I guess I feel as though I'm failing because, I guess the fact that I can't live on my own financially right now, at 30 years old, makes me a failure. When I was younger, thinking about my life, I was suppose to have my professional, ministry & family life in full force by now. I was going to be married with at least three children by this age. I failed myself. I failed my 15 year old self. I was suppose to be way more successful by now. But I'm not.
I feel unsettled with my life because I am not living up to the expectations my 15 year old self put on my 30 year old self. I'm not happy where I am because I think I should be somewhere else (whoa). Doing something more. With more money. With my own place. With a car that isn't over ten years old. With my own furniture to relax on, that I paid for with my own money. So that I can have everything my 15 year old self planned to have by now.
I have based my happiness on what I had always thought I would have by now.
I am not okay with my life because this is not where I wanted or was suppose to be.
How do you become okay with where you are when you dreamed about being somewhere else at this point in your life?
Am I the only one?
*I have admitted things in this blog post that scare me to share. But if I'm not truthful, then what's the point of sharing my heart with you all?