Bedtime realizations & confessions.

It was almost as though, I couldn't fall asleep last night until I typed this out. I had to get this down on paper.

I think we as humans, have a tendency that when we want something, we think we should have it. I HATE not having things I want. 

When I lay down at night to go to bed, I for some reason, don't want to turn the lights off & go to sleep. The thought of just going into my room at night, getting in bed, turning the lights off & going to sleep is a lonely & unsettling thought. I also get that feeling when I'm laying on the couch. I should be focusing on just relaxing but all I can think about is: let's go, let's do something, I'm going to be 30 years old this year & I'm relaxing on the couch, in the apartment I live in, with my mother?!? I am going to be 30 this year & I still haven't met the man I'm going to marry?!? I never once, in all of my daydreaming about my future when I was younger, EVER imagined myself still relaxing on my mother's couch, i.e. still living with her at 30 years old! This is very unsettling for me. I feel as though, I should be doing more with my life. I should have something more to show for my life at 30. 

I guess I feel as though I'm failing because, I guess the fact that I can't live on my own financially right now, at 30 years old, makes me a failure. When I was younger, thinking about my life, I was suppose to have my professional, ministry & family life in full force by now. I was going to be married with at least three children by this age. I failed myself. I failed my 15 year old self. I was suppose to be way more successful by now. But I'm not. 

I feel unsettled with my life because I am not living up to the expectations my 15 year old self put on my 30 year old self. I'm not happy where I am because I think I should be somewhere else (whoa). Doing something more. With more money. With my own place. With a car that isn't over ten years old. With my own furniture to relax on, that I paid for with my own money. So that I can have everything my 15 year old self planned to have by now. 

I have based my happiness on what I had always thought I would have by now. 

I am not okay with my life because this is not where I wanted or was suppose to be.

How do you become okay with where you are when you dreamed about being somewhere else at this point in your life? 

Am I the only one? 

*I have admitted things in this blog post that scare me to share. But if I'm not truthful, then what's the point of sharing my heart with you all? 

Happiness? I've got it covered.

A white wedding ball gown with a tiara, arm & arm with my father walking me down the aisle, a beautiful house in a newly built development, a perfect puppy, 5 children, a church leader husband who would get me & we would talk out all our disagreements, full-time ministry career and throw in there a perfectly fluffed pillow. Doing all of this while having Jennifer Anniston's body & hair. -My expectations of my happy future, in a nutshell. Yes, I thought this was all possible. 

Happiness? I had that covered. I had everything covered. Come on, I had my world perfectly crafted. Did I have a relationship with God? I had the BEST relationship with God. Did I trust Him, you ask? Shhhh...you don't know what you're talking about. I grew up in the church, of course I trusted God-I said I did, didn't I? 

                                                                       I said a lot of things. And I was good at it. 

I mean, I did have a pretty good upbringing. I honestly don't know that I even knew what it meant to put my trust in God because, I never really needed to. So I never really did. But I had great hair...oh and the perfect shade of lipstick on, at all times.

For those of you that weren't taught the Bible growing up, or why it matters whether I trust God or not & what that has to do with my life...I'm no preacher, and I don't know it all but I do know that if it wasn't for God, I wouldn't be sitting here typing this blog out, plain & simple. That may be hard for you to understand. It would be for me, too, if I didn't grow up in a home & a church where I learned about God from the time I was born. I hope I can answer some of your questions about God through some of my posts & I hope you don't stop reading my posts just because I talk about Him. This is my heart. Not my preaching platform. Anytime you would like to share your heart with me, no matter what's inside, I would love to listen. This is just what's inside mine.

So, 7 years ago, if you were to ask me how my life was, I would've said, perfect. Because, I truly thought it was. Little did I know the secrets leering behind corners and crevices that I never bothered to look around because I really had no reason to. I had trusting God and being happy in. the. bag. Pshhh, nothing could have taken any part of my perfect happy life away from me.

Insert tornado, world falling apart here. Jump ahead 6 years (you can go back & read previous posts to reference my anxiety & fear ridden life from 2007-2013) and here we are. 

Happiness...what does it look like now? A white dress? More like about 10 colorful bridesmaids ones. Do I have a husband? Not even close. 5 children? Ha, I don't even know if that's possible anymore. A development home? No way. A perfect puppy? I'm not allowed to have pets in the apartment I'm living in. I even cringe at some of these things that I thought I wanted. So, if I had those things now, how would I feel? 

I could sit here & give you an updated and more realistic list of what I want for my life. A list that you wouldn't roll your eyes at and it would make perfect sense. But even if I could check off everything on that list today, it wouldn't make me truly happy. Will it add to my happiness? Yes, but I realized something... 

I realized that happiness isn't about getting what you want in life, but what you do with what you have right now. 

Hi, I'm back.

I know that it's been a while since I posted last. And I know that I haven't kept up with this blog. And I now realize that I probably should have waited to start it until now...if you read my future posts, you'll find out why. My plan is to commit to posting once a week. My blog has a new look and a new title...because, it's a new day..to blog. Let's get started.

As mentioned in earlier posts, I am here to tell my story. I have been realizing a lot lately that there is NO way I went through what I did for nothing. It can't be. It just can't. I have changed A LOT in the last 7 years, since tragedy struck my life. I am not the same person I was 7 years ago...and I didn't realize it as a good thing until now. 

It took me about 6 years to come to a place of peace & happiness. To go through darkness...to the point where you don't know where that light at the end of the tunnel that everyone talks about is. Then to come out from that tunnel and have the sun shine on your face and you take your first deep breath in and out in a long time...my first thought - this can't be real. I mean, I just went through, what I thought as hell on earth, and this is it? As you can tell, I'm not a glass half full type of person. When I came out from the other side of the dark, scary tunnel to life...my life...right in front of me, the first thought that came to my mind was - What's next? And I don't mean the - life full of opportunity, can't wait to start living, I love my life what's next? I mean the - I can't be too happy because I'll be caught off guard again by something horrible. So, I was always looking for the - What's next? - so the rug wouldn't be ripped out from under my feet again. I know, I had the dream life everyone wanted :). But I created it myself. I had to protect myself from anything bad that could possibly happen to me. Because that's possible.

 So about 4 years into major anxiety and fear - I finally feel as though I've conquered it and I can start living...the part of my mind that was still scarred wouldn't let me. I wasn't able to truly allow myself to be happy because, I didn't believe that happiness was for me. I didn't believe that I could experience true happiness. It's actually still kind of hard for me to accept. It's funny how our minds work...you want something...but your mind can come up with a gazillion reasons why and how that can't and can work. Our minds are tricky places. Which we have to guard and protect. I didn't know this until about a year ago. I so badly wanted to just forget EVERYTHING and live like everyone else! I wanted a life full of love and joy and marriage and babies and holiday gatherings and going after my dreams and just sunshine and happy tears ALL THE TIME. But reality is, no one is like anyone else. I'm not like you and you're not like me and it took me a long time to be okay with that, as well. I want what you have...because it looks so much cooler than what I have. At least you make it look that cool and I'm in no way that cool, so I want to be just like you...not me. That was a mindset that I have had since childhood. 

And who can be truly happy when you're looking at everyone else's happiness & wishing it was yours? Why can't I be truly happy with what I have?

Little did I know that that mindset would almost ruin me as an adult. 

I'm Angela and I'm an over-thinker.

Hi, I'm Angela & I'm an over-thinker. The first step is admitting you have a problem, right? Hmm... .I wonder if they have OT meetings..

But seriously, I think about everything before it happens, or doesn't happen. I play it out in my mind. Every. Single. Detail...Every. Single. Scenario...Every. Single. Day. I think about something and then I think about it more elaborately, over & over & over...you get the picture.

And I think that is the root of my anxiety. Over-thinking is something that I've done since I can remember.

When you go through something traumatic, whatever negative habits you had before are now heightened. And they seem to show themselves like a monster rearing it's ugly head. When you least expect it, it swallows you whole. How do you break a habit that you've had for as long as you can remember? Well, if you're anything like me, you over-think about your over-thinking. You try to figure it out in your head while you think and over-think about it. And then you worry about why you're over-thinking what you're thinking about and all of the what if's that could happen...which, in turn causes anxiety.

So...where do you go from there? How do you stop thinking about over-thinking...but stop over-thinking?

And then you see something that stops you in your tracks. Something that takes your breath away. You see your pain & hurt in someone else. You watch a movie with your feelings poured out in front of you and all you can feel is a part of you coming alive again. And that's when I realized, I can't live another day unless I live real. I crave real. I crave raw. I crave feelings and deep breaths and smells and sounds and feeling the sun. I crave laughing and feeling love..deeply and smile with pure joy. Yes, I have done all of those things obviously but I haven't actually experienced them in about six years. It's time.

It's time to live...really live..raw, real...and to dream again..not for yesterday or the mistakes of yesterday or the hurts of yesterday but to live today, in this moment, with all you have. And tomorrow, when you begin to over-think something and feel the anxiety rising, remember what it feels like to breath deep and the feeling of hope running through your veins. Remember that in that moment, you have the power to let go & let faith rise a little more today than yesterday.

'..What if your blessings come through rain drops?
What if your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near?
What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?'

A deep, dark hole.

So..a vampire can only die if a wood stake is drove through their heart. Go with me for a minute...as a vampire, you will most likely never die unless you are killed or you kill yourself. Think about everything you could do and see and learn and experience.

Even though the thought of living forever is a comfort to some, it is a burden to others. A burden that you have absolutely no idea how to lift or get rid of. A burden that, on some days was so heavy that the thought of a steak through your heart was a bit of a sweet relief. One that you would welcome. On some days..

As much as the thought of dying so that I would not feel the pain anymore was tempting, I had this deep fear of dying. I guess that's what happens when you walk so far away from God that you are scared to die because you wonder if He still considers you His daughter. If you still have a secure home when you die. Everything I knew was being challenged. I was questioning everything. Because when all of your security is taken away from you like someone has ripped the rug out from under your feet, you start questioning all security you ever had and you hold on to everything that you can control. And you don't let go...for anything.
And you think you're starting to feel secure again because you hold on to everything you can control. You start feeling safe again. You start thinking things are okay again. I am holding everything in my hands and not letting them go. But in my heart..things are not okay. I don't feel secure in their. I feel such a deep sadness, a hole so large and dark that I'm too scared to go into because I don't know if I'll ever come out. But I'm not sure how to make that okay. I'm not sure how to stop that pain. So, I'll just ignore it for now...maybe it'll just go away.

In the meantime, I am slowly losing my grip on reality and saneness. I'm holding on to everything but I am losing it mentally...and I mean losing it. I was entering a place mentally that I didn't know what to do with. I wasn't really sure how I got here and I certainly had no idea how to get out. I was scared. I felt tortured and alone. I couldn't tell someone the things that were going through my mind because surely, they would admit me to a mental institute or stop being friends with me or...never look at me the same again. So I held it in and suffered through for a long time. For way too long.

This is my voice from my experience and my goal is to give hope to someone whom my voice might resonate with.

(and no, I don't really believe in vampires.) :)

The beginning of a beautiful death.

So, it has been over a year since I last posted. It has been quite the year. Let's get to it.

It is fall time now, one of my favorite seasons. I look out the window and see a skyline filled with trix cereal colored trees. I think to myself how beautiful it looks and the thought hits me, those leaves are dying. Even though they look breathtakingly beautiful, they are facing death. But it's a beautiful death. And then I thought of myself. My journey these last five years. And the only thought that kept running through my mind was it has been a beautiful death. A year ago, I would have never been able to say that. And even now, it's difficult at times to put the word beautiful on it but I'm starting to see the beauty...starting to.

One night, I was in the bedroom that I was staying in at my friend's home in Michigan when all of a sudden I began to have difficulty breathing. I started crying and feeling like I was about to die but couldn't understand why. I started to feel anxious and couldn't control this feeling that I was having. I literally was kneeling on the floor and couldn't move. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't put my finger on anything physically wrong but my heart was racing and it felt like something was very wrong. It was late at night, near midnight, so I didn't want to wake my friends but I felt like I was going to die! So, when all else fails, call your mother. And that is what I did. As soon as I told her what was wrong, she said, you're having an anxiety attack. She talked me through it and I was able to calm down. Little did I know that that would be the start of my hell on earth.

I believe I was having mini anxiety attacks before that but didn't recognize them as that. What would happen is something would pop into my mind-a cartoon character or something of that nature and I would be filled with anxiety for about 10 seconds and then it would pass and I would be fine. So, because they were so short, I didn't think much of them. Now they made more sense to me. After I experienced my first major anxiety attack, I had a few more major attacks. If you know anything about anxiety attacks, you know that they cripple you. I immediately start to feel like I'm going to faint. My heart starts racing, I start sweating and I can't function. I even threw up a couple times. Haha, I'll never forget the time I had one on my to school in Michigan on a sunny spring morning and I all of a sudden felt like I had to puke so I turned onto a quieter street, opened my door, puked on the ground, shut the door and drove to school and thought, this is not going to keep me from accomplishing my dream! I was proud of myself that morning. After about the third one, I said to myself - this is enough, I'm not going to allow this to take over my life. And what a long journey it has been to be able to sit here today and type this out. After I made this decision, I began to pay attention to what would bring on my anxiety - and I found that almost anything would bring it on....great. So, once I realized that, I started to dig deep inside and clean out the dark places of hurt and pain. Not exactly how I wanted to spend the last two and a half years of my life but something just kept ringing through my mind...there must be a reason for this - that was my hope that kept me hanging on. Because believe me, there were many a times where giving up sounded way too tempting. I just kept thinking, giving up would be easy but finding out what the roots of this anxiety is will make you stronger. So I took the shovel out and started digging...man, there were some deep roots in there that needed to be uprooted and burned. And the only one who could uproot & burn them was me because no one else understood.
Well, hello lonely road... .so nice to see you.

The beginning of freedom.

Here I am again. To continue my story....

So here's 2007 and, well,...it came and went. Now 2008 was here and I was supposed to keep working & be good at my job and have relationships and be a respected leader in my church and a good daughter and oh yeah, keep a smile on my face. But it was getting tiring and it was wearing on me. I mean, I didn't even know how I was going to get out of bed in the morning. But every morning, I had a text waiting for me from my amazing cousin. A text that I didn't expect but was always there. They were so simple, too. Just a 'Good morning. I love you. Have a great day.' kind of text but those texts got me out of bed in the morning. Those texts told me that I was important to someone. They told me that there was something worth getting out of bed for. So I did. I got out of bed. I showered. I got ready and I left the house. Every day. Now, not every day was horrible and I had very loving people in my life that helped more than I even knew at the time. Like when friends asked me over for some chinese. Or when one of my cousin's helped to decorate my room, to make it mine. Or when freinds wanted to drop off their kids to me, to help get my mind off things.

See, I'm a deep thinker...I'm an over-thinker and I hate that about me because all too often I get lost in my thoughts which are directly connected to my emotions which means major depression times for this girl. It started off small but then grew over the years and major anxiety took over about a year ago. But I'm jumping ahead a bit. I'll get back to that, I promise.

So, 2008 came and went and 2009 was beginning to look a lot like '08. I knew I had to do something. I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take the nagging memories or the hurt, or the pain, or the anger that was building up that I kept ignoring and pushing it further down which only made my emotional state worse. So, I packed my life and moved to Michigan to attend Douglas J. Aveda Beauty Institute. One of the best decisions of my life. And I know God's hand was in every moment of that year. From the family that took me in as one of their own to my classmates that put a smile on my face every time I think about them. God knew what I needed that year and He gave it to me. But when I returned home after graduating, the nagging memories, hurt, pain and anger were still there. So, I knew I had to do something. I knew I had to be healed. So, I began that journey. And ohhh, what a journey it has been...stay tuned.