So..a vampire can only die if a wood stake is drove through their heart. Go with me for a minute...as a vampire, you will most likely never die unless you are killed or you kill yourself. Think about everything you could do and see and learn and experience.
Even though the thought of living forever is a comfort to some, it is a burden to others. A burden that you have absolutely no idea how to lift or get rid of. A burden that, on some days was so heavy that the thought of a steak through your heart was a bit of a sweet relief. One that you would welcome. On some days..
As much as the thought of dying so that I would not feel the pain anymore was tempting, I had this deep fear of dying. I guess that's what happens when you walk so far away from God that you are scared to die because you wonder if He still considers you His daughter. If you still have a secure home when you die. Everything I knew was being challenged. I was questioning everything. Because when all of your security is taken away from you like someone has ripped the rug out from under your feet, you start questioning all security you ever had and you hold on to everything that you can control. And you don't let go...for anything.
And you think you're starting to feel secure again because you hold on to everything you can control. You start feeling safe again. You start thinking things are okay again. I am holding everything in my hands and not letting them go. But in my heart..things are not okay. I don't feel secure in their. I feel such a deep sadness, a hole so large and dark that I'm too scared to go into because I don't know if I'll ever come out. But I'm not sure how to make that okay. I'm not sure how to stop that pain. So, I'll just ignore it for now...maybe it'll just go away.
In the meantime, I am slowly losing my grip on reality and saneness. I'm holding on to everything but I am losing it mentally...and I mean losing it. I was entering a place mentally that I didn't know what to do with. I wasn't really sure how I got here and I certainly had no idea how to get out. I was scared. I felt tortured and alone. I couldn't tell someone the things that were going through my mind because surely, they would admit me to a mental institute or stop being friends with me or...never look at me the same again. So I held it in and suffered through for a long time. For way too long.
This is my voice from my experience and my goal is to give hope to someone whom my voice might resonate with.
(and no, I don't really believe in vampires.) :)
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Monday, October 8, 2012
The beginning of a beautiful death.
So, it has been over a year since I last posted. It has been quite the year. Let's get to it.
It is fall time now, one of my favorite seasons. I look out the window and see a skyline filled with trix cereal colored trees. I think to myself how beautiful it looks and the thought hits me, those leaves are dying. Even though they look breathtakingly beautiful, they are facing death. But it's a beautiful death. And then I thought of myself. My journey these last five years. And the only thought that kept running through my mind was it has been a beautiful death. A year ago, I would have never been able to say that. And even now, it's difficult at times to put the word beautiful on it but I'm starting to see the beauty...starting to.
One night, I was in the bedroom that I was staying in at my friend's home in Michigan when all of a sudden I began to have difficulty breathing. I started crying and feeling like I was about to die but couldn't understand why. I started to feel anxious and couldn't control this feeling that I was having. I literally was kneeling on the floor and couldn't move. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't put my finger on anything physically wrong but my heart was racing and it felt like something was very wrong. It was late at night, near midnight, so I didn't want to wake my friends but I felt like I was going to die! So, when all else fails, call your mother. And that is what I did. As soon as I told her what was wrong, she said, you're having an anxiety attack. She talked me through it and I was able to calm down. Little did I know that that would be the start of my hell on earth.
I believe I was having mini anxiety attacks before that but didn't recognize them as that. What would happen is something would pop into my mind-a cartoon character or something of that nature and I would be filled with anxiety for about 10 seconds and then it would pass and I would be fine. So, because they were so short, I didn't think much of them. Now they made more sense to me. After I experienced my first major anxiety attack, I had a few more major attacks. If you know anything about anxiety attacks, you know that they cripple you. I immediately start to feel like I'm going to faint. My heart starts racing, I start sweating and I can't function. I even threw up a couple times. Haha, I'll never forget the time I had one on my to school in Michigan on a sunny spring morning and I all of a sudden felt like I had to puke so I turned onto a quieter street, opened my door, puked on the ground, shut the door and drove to school and thought, this is not going to keep me from accomplishing my dream! I was proud of myself that morning. After about the third one, I said to myself - this is enough, I'm not going to allow this to take over my life. And what a long journey it has been to be able to sit here today and type this out. After I made this decision, I began to pay attention to what would bring on my anxiety - and I found that almost anything would bring it on....great. So, once I realized that, I started to dig deep inside and clean out the dark places of hurt and pain. Not exactly how I wanted to spend the last two and a half years of my life but something just kept ringing through my mind...there must be a reason for this - that was my hope that kept me hanging on. Because believe me, there were many a times where giving up sounded way too tempting. I just kept thinking, giving up would be easy but finding out what the roots of this anxiety is will make you stronger. So I took the shovel out and started digging...man, there were some deep roots in there that needed to be uprooted and burned. And the only one who could uproot & burn them was me because no one else understood.
Well, hello lonely road... .so nice to see you.
It is fall time now, one of my favorite seasons. I look out the window and see a skyline filled with trix cereal colored trees. I think to myself how beautiful it looks and the thought hits me, those leaves are dying. Even though they look breathtakingly beautiful, they are facing death. But it's a beautiful death. And then I thought of myself. My journey these last five years. And the only thought that kept running through my mind was it has been a beautiful death. A year ago, I would have never been able to say that. And even now, it's difficult at times to put the word beautiful on it but I'm starting to see the beauty...starting to.
One night, I was in the bedroom that I was staying in at my friend's home in Michigan when all of a sudden I began to have difficulty breathing. I started crying and feeling like I was about to die but couldn't understand why. I started to feel anxious and couldn't control this feeling that I was having. I literally was kneeling on the floor and couldn't move. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't put my finger on anything physically wrong but my heart was racing and it felt like something was very wrong. It was late at night, near midnight, so I didn't want to wake my friends but I felt like I was going to die! So, when all else fails, call your mother. And that is what I did. As soon as I told her what was wrong, she said, you're having an anxiety attack. She talked me through it and I was able to calm down. Little did I know that that would be the start of my hell on earth.
I believe I was having mini anxiety attacks before that but didn't recognize them as that. What would happen is something would pop into my mind-a cartoon character or something of that nature and I would be filled with anxiety for about 10 seconds and then it would pass and I would be fine. So, because they were so short, I didn't think much of them. Now they made more sense to me. After I experienced my first major anxiety attack, I had a few more major attacks. If you know anything about anxiety attacks, you know that they cripple you. I immediately start to feel like I'm going to faint. My heart starts racing, I start sweating and I can't function. I even threw up a couple times. Haha, I'll never forget the time I had one on my to school in Michigan on a sunny spring morning and I all of a sudden felt like I had to puke so I turned onto a quieter street, opened my door, puked on the ground, shut the door and drove to school and thought, this is not going to keep me from accomplishing my dream! I was proud of myself that morning. After about the third one, I said to myself - this is enough, I'm not going to allow this to take over my life. And what a long journey it has been to be able to sit here today and type this out. After I made this decision, I began to pay attention to what would bring on my anxiety - and I found that almost anything would bring it on....great. So, once I realized that, I started to dig deep inside and clean out the dark places of hurt and pain. Not exactly how I wanted to spend the last two and a half years of my life but something just kept ringing through my mind...there must be a reason for this - that was my hope that kept me hanging on. Because believe me, there were many a times where giving up sounded way too tempting. I just kept thinking, giving up would be easy but finding out what the roots of this anxiety is will make you stronger. So I took the shovel out and started digging...man, there were some deep roots in there that needed to be uprooted and burned. And the only one who could uproot & burn them was me because no one else understood.
Well, hello lonely road... .so nice to see you.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
The beginning of freedom.
Here I am again. To continue my story....
So here's 2007 and, well,...it came and went. Now 2008 was here and I was supposed to keep working & be good at my job and have relationships and be a respected leader in my church and a good daughter and oh yeah, keep a smile on my face. But it was getting tiring and it was wearing on me. I mean, I didn't even know how I was going to get out of bed in the morning. But every morning, I had a text waiting for me from my amazing cousin. A text that I didn't expect but was always there. They were so simple, too. Just a 'Good morning. I love you. Have a great day.' kind of text but those texts got me out of bed in the morning. Those texts told me that I was important to someone. They told me that there was something worth getting out of bed for. So I did. I got out of bed. I showered. I got ready and I left the house. Every day. Now, not every day was horrible and I had very loving people in my life that helped more than I even knew at the time. Like when friends asked me over for some chinese. Or when one of my cousin's helped to decorate my room, to make it mine. Or when freinds wanted to drop off their kids to me, to help get my mind off things.
See, I'm a deep thinker...I'm an over-thinker and I hate that about me because all too often I get lost in my thoughts which are directly connected to my emotions which means major depression times for this girl. It started off small but then grew over the years and major anxiety took over about a year ago. But I'm jumping ahead a bit. I'll get back to that, I promise.
So, 2008 came and went and 2009 was beginning to look a lot like '08. I knew I had to do something. I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take the nagging memories or the hurt, or the pain, or the anger that was building up that I kept ignoring and pushing it further down which only made my emotional state worse. So, I packed my life and moved to Michigan to attend Douglas J. Aveda Beauty Institute. One of the best decisions of my life. And I know God's hand was in every moment of that year. From the family that took me in as one of their own to my classmates that put a smile on my face every time I think about them. God knew what I needed that year and He gave it to me. But when I returned home after graduating, the nagging memories, hurt, pain and anger were still there. So, I knew I had to do something. I knew I had to be healed. So, I began that journey. And ohhh, what a journey it has been...stay tuned.
So here's 2007 and, well,...it came and went. Now 2008 was here and I was supposed to keep working & be good at my job and have relationships and be a respected leader in my church and a good daughter and oh yeah, keep a smile on my face. But it was getting tiring and it was wearing on me. I mean, I didn't even know how I was going to get out of bed in the morning. But every morning, I had a text waiting for me from my amazing cousin. A text that I didn't expect but was always there. They were so simple, too. Just a 'Good morning. I love you. Have a great day.' kind of text but those texts got me out of bed in the morning. Those texts told me that I was important to someone. They told me that there was something worth getting out of bed for. So I did. I got out of bed. I showered. I got ready and I left the house. Every day. Now, not every day was horrible and I had very loving people in my life that helped more than I even knew at the time. Like when friends asked me over for some chinese. Or when one of my cousin's helped to decorate my room, to make it mine. Or when freinds wanted to drop off their kids to me, to help get my mind off things.
See, I'm a deep thinker...I'm an over-thinker and I hate that about me because all too often I get lost in my thoughts which are directly connected to my emotions which means major depression times for this girl. It started off small but then grew over the years and major anxiety took over about a year ago. But I'm jumping ahead a bit. I'll get back to that, I promise.
So, 2008 came and went and 2009 was beginning to look a lot like '08. I knew I had to do something. I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take the nagging memories or the hurt, or the pain, or the anger that was building up that I kept ignoring and pushing it further down which only made my emotional state worse. So, I packed my life and moved to Michigan to attend Douglas J. Aveda Beauty Institute. One of the best decisions of my life. And I know God's hand was in every moment of that year. From the family that took me in as one of their own to my classmates that put a smile on my face every time I think about them. God knew what I needed that year and He gave it to me. But when I returned home after graduating, the nagging memories, hurt, pain and anger were still there. So, I knew I had to do something. I knew I had to be healed. So, I began that journey. And ohhh, what a journey it has been...stay tuned.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Happy? New Year.
First of all, sorry for the long wait. Busyness & exhaustion...not good excuses but I'm back. Oh yeah, and I'm kind of dreading this whole telling my story thing...because my story isn't exactly full of rainbows & butterflies. But it is, my story. So let's get to it.
I remember the moment that my world turned upside down like it was yesterday. A bright december day, the kind where the sun shines so bright that you forget it's winter. I had on sweats and a t-shirt. I was sitting in our green recliner in the living room reading "Every Young Woman's Battle". My brother had his friends over and they were all fooling around with him in the living room, which had me laughing..until they started joking about something that wasn't so funny. Something that now, seems so unimportant but as soon as I heard it, it shook me to my core because I knew that nothing was going to be the same. I realized that my father wasn't the father that I thought he was. Well, that was only the beginning. So the ball started rolling. And, it didn't stop. That Christmas day I remember standing in the doorway to my grandmother's dining room with everyone sitting around the table laughing, talking and having a great time, as we did every Christmas day since I can remember. I knew, in that moment, that Christmas day would never be the same again.
So when everyone else was getting ready to start a new year, anticipating a fresh start, I was dreading the months/years ahead.
Over the next few months, it seemed as though the light percipitation that we had been experiencing, quickly turned into hail...and it hurt. And there was no break in the weather as far as I could see. The hail was starting to leave permanent damage.
I am not here to speak ill of my dad. I am not here to take out all of my frustrations on him. Nor is it my intention to bring his shortcomings to light. My goal is to shine, speak and declare truth over my situation. And hopefully inspire someone who might be going through something similar.
I remember the moment that my world turned upside down like it was yesterday. A bright december day, the kind where the sun shines so bright that you forget it's winter. I had on sweats and a t-shirt. I was sitting in our green recliner in the living room reading "Every Young Woman's Battle". My brother had his friends over and they were all fooling around with him in the living room, which had me laughing..until they started joking about something that wasn't so funny. Something that now, seems so unimportant but as soon as I heard it, it shook me to my core because I knew that nothing was going to be the same. I realized that my father wasn't the father that I thought he was. Well, that was only the beginning. So the ball started rolling. And, it didn't stop. That Christmas day I remember standing in the doorway to my grandmother's dining room with everyone sitting around the table laughing, talking and having a great time, as we did every Christmas day since I can remember. I knew, in that moment, that Christmas day would never be the same again.
So when everyone else was getting ready to start a new year, anticipating a fresh start, I was dreading the months/years ahead.
Over the next few months, it seemed as though the light percipitation that we had been experiencing, quickly turned into hail...and it hurt. And there was no break in the weather as far as I could see. The hail was starting to leave permanent damage.
I am not here to speak ill of my dad. I am not here to take out all of my frustrations on him. Nor is it my intention to bring his shortcomings to light. My goal is to shine, speak and declare truth over my situation. And hopefully inspire someone who might be going through something similar.
The Saturday before Easter Sunday, April of 2007 my mom and I moved out of our home and into a two bedroom. I tried to make the best of it. We moved into a cute small town, one where everyone knows everyone. I like it. The apartment?..it's okay. It's not my home, though. Since that 2 bedroom, we've moved once more into another 2 bedroom where we now live.
I still wake up in the night disoriented and it takes me a minute to realize where I am and why I'm not in my old room. My bedroom with tan & saige green walls with my pink carpet that I had since I can remember. I miss that room. I miss that house. She was good to us. I feel bad for her. I feel bad that she had to see such sadness in our last days with her. We were ripped away from her so suddenly.. .I didn't even get to say goodbye.
The deeper the deceit and lies went, the deeper the hurt went and the more I died inside. This new year was getting old quick. The worst part was..it was out of my control. Nothing I could do could change anything. I was not good at allowing things out of my control. I didn't like this.
2007 was looking grim.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Did you feel that wind?
So...I guess I have to continue this blog, huh? Okay, here goes..
I grew up in a home and church where God was taught, talked about and in some ways forced upon us. I accepted Jesus in my heart at a very young age. I knew who God was. I didn't hang out with guys & girls in high school because no one was a Christian (Notice my sarcastic tone. Who am I to decide if someone is a Chrstian? Which is my point.). I couldn't hang out with people, especially guys outside of school because...well...didn't they do really bad things all the time? Yes, I was certain that they did and I couldn't be a part of those really bad things. Because then God wouldn't like me. So, I spent as much time at church or church events as much as I could. I had to. If I didn't, I wasn't really a Christian. I mean, isn't that how it works??
I even went to a bible college after graduating from High School. I read my Bible as much as I could. I was a good Christian. I did all the right things. God was proud of me, I was sure of it. My life was floatin' along good and smooth.
I graduated from Elim Bible Institute and moved back home to start on my next grand adventure. I was so ready...couldn't have been more ready. I couldn't imagine what exciting thing God had for me next! I had done so many good things for Him, He surely had something amazingly great for me. Yeah...I was probably going to go overseas to some foreign land that no one had ever heard of to preach at them (yes, I said preach AT them) about God. Or be a youth leader to a group of teenagers that were messed up and needed someone to show them how to not be messed up anymore. Ooooh or meet a wonderfully tall and handsome man that knew his calling in life was to be a Pastor~yes, that was my goal. You can't get holier than that, right?
So, I was ready to get that call that some huge church needed a youth pastor. Or that someone in Africa needed help with their ministry. Or that the man of my dreams (the one who wore suits all the time and always smiled and would tell me how amazing I was all of the time and was ready to Pastor his own church) would walk into my church and the second our eyes met, would be love,...*sigh*..at first sight. I was ready for any one of those things to happen. So ready. So I waited.
And waited.
And... .waited.
All of a sudden, one day out of nowhere, it started. I got the call. I felt the whirlwind starting.
But, uhh, wait...this whirlwind was starting to scare me a little bit. It wasn't the kind that I was thinking of. It didn't have anything in it that I wanted. The worst part...I couldn't stop it. There was nothing I could do to change what was about to happen. It seemed as if a bad nightmare was unfolding before me.
All of the control that I thought I had was stripped from me. It was torn from my hands. This whirlwind was picking up every part of my life, hurling and destroying it in front of my eyes. Things that I once held so dear to me were gone. My life was about to change, drastically and fast. I didn't even have time to take a breath. Was my heart still beating? Because it felt like it might have stopped and I can't remember if it started again. Maybe that's because a part of me died back there..somewhere. And it was a sudden death, one that I was not expecting or ready for. This was nothing close to what I had in mind for my next adventure in life.
Wait, was this even my life?
I grew up in a home and church where God was taught, talked about and in some ways forced upon us. I accepted Jesus in my heart at a very young age. I knew who God was. I didn't hang out with guys & girls in high school because no one was a Christian (Notice my sarcastic tone. Who am I to decide if someone is a Chrstian? Which is my point.). I couldn't hang out with people, especially guys outside of school because...well...didn't they do really bad things all the time? Yes, I was certain that they did and I couldn't be a part of those really bad things. Because then God wouldn't like me. So, I spent as much time at church or church events as much as I could. I had to. If I didn't, I wasn't really a Christian. I mean, isn't that how it works??
I even went to a bible college after graduating from High School. I read my Bible as much as I could. I was a good Christian. I did all the right things. God was proud of me, I was sure of it. My life was floatin' along good and smooth.
I graduated from Elim Bible Institute and moved back home to start on my next grand adventure. I was so ready...couldn't have been more ready. I couldn't imagine what exciting thing God had for me next! I had done so many good things for Him, He surely had something amazingly great for me. Yeah...I was probably going to go overseas to some foreign land that no one had ever heard of to preach at them (yes, I said preach AT them) about God. Or be a youth leader to a group of teenagers that were messed up and needed someone to show them how to not be messed up anymore. Ooooh or meet a wonderfully tall and handsome man that knew his calling in life was to be a Pastor~yes, that was my goal. You can't get holier than that, right?
So, I was ready to get that call that some huge church needed a youth pastor. Or that someone in Africa needed help with their ministry. Or that the man of my dreams (the one who wore suits all the time and always smiled and would tell me how amazing I was all of the time and was ready to Pastor his own church) would walk into my church and the second our eyes met, would be love,...*sigh*..at first sight. I was ready for any one of those things to happen. So ready. So I waited.
And waited.
And... .waited.
All of a sudden, one day out of nowhere, it started. I got the call. I felt the whirlwind starting.
But, uhh, wait...this whirlwind was starting to scare me a little bit. It wasn't the kind that I was thinking of. It didn't have anything in it that I wanted. The worst part...I couldn't stop it. There was nothing I could do to change what was about to happen. It seemed as if a bad nightmare was unfolding before me.
All of the control that I thought I had was stripped from me. It was torn from my hands. This whirlwind was picking up every part of my life, hurling and destroying it in front of my eyes. Things that I once held so dear to me were gone. My life was about to change, drastically and fast. I didn't even have time to take a breath. Was my heart still beating? Because it felt like it might have stopped and I can't remember if it started again. Maybe that's because a part of me died back there..somewhere. And it was a sudden death, one that I was not expecting or ready for. This was nothing close to what I had in mind for my next adventure in life.
Wait, was this even my life?
Monday, June 6, 2011
Day One.
So...I guess I should say Hi and that I'm excited to share my life with you and that I can't wait to pour my heart out and allow you all in to some of the dark places inside of me that no one has ever been.
But none of that is true. My heart is beating so fast even as I type this. This will not be a blog for the faint of heart.
So, I guess this is your warning post.
The way I see it is if I have things that scare me to talk about, then you must also have things that scare you to talk about. So, that makes us relatable which gives me hope that you won't shut me out of your life after reading it.
Still want to tag along?
Now don't you worry...there will be laughter and there will be happiness and there will be hope.
But for me, my laughter, happiness and hope have definitely changed their forms. Which is why I wanted to do this.
So get ready. This is my story. The raw end of it.
But none of that is true. My heart is beating so fast even as I type this. This will not be a blog for the faint of heart.
So, I guess this is your warning post.
The way I see it is if I have things that scare me to talk about, then you must also have things that scare you to talk about. So, that makes us relatable which gives me hope that you won't shut me out of your life after reading it.
Still want to tag along?
Now don't you worry...there will be laughter and there will be happiness and there will be hope.
But for me, my laughter, happiness and hope have definitely changed their forms. Which is why I wanted to do this.
So get ready. This is my story. The raw end of it.
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