Sunday, May 12, 2013

I'm Angela and I'm an over-thinker.

Hi, I'm Angela & I'm an over-thinker. The first step is admitting you have a problem, right? Hmm... .I wonder if they have OT meetings..

But seriously, I think about everything before it happens, or doesn't happen. I play it out in my mind. Every. Single. Detail...Every. Single. Scenario...Every. Single. Day. I think about something and then I think about it more elaborately, over & over & get the picture.

And I think that is the root of my anxiety. Over-thinking is something that I've done since I can remember.

When you go through something traumatic, whatever negative habits you had before are now heightened. And they seem to show themselves like a monster rearing it's ugly head. When you least expect it, it swallows you whole. How do you break a habit that you've had for as long as you can remember? Well, if you're anything like me, you over-think about your over-thinking. You try to figure it out in your head while you think and over-think about it. And then you worry about why you're over-thinking what you're thinking about and all of the what if's that could happen...which, in turn causes anxiety.

So...where do you go from there? How do you stop thinking about over-thinking...but stop over-thinking?

And then you see something that stops you in your tracks. Something that takes your breath away. You see your pain & hurt in someone else. You watch a movie with your feelings poured out in front of you and all you can feel is a part of you coming alive again. And that's when I realized, I can't live another day unless I live real. I crave real. I crave raw. I crave feelings and deep breaths and smells and sounds and feeling the sun. I crave laughing and feeling love..deeply and smile with pure joy. Yes, I have done all of those things obviously but I haven't actually experienced them in about six years. It's time.

It's time to live...really live..raw, real...and to dream again..not for yesterday or the mistakes of yesterday or the hurts of yesterday but to live today, in this moment, with all you have. And tomorrow, when you begin to over-think something and feel the anxiety rising, remember what it feels like to breath deep and the feeling of hope running through your veins. Remember that in that moment, you have the power to let go & let faith rise a little more today than yesterday.

'..What if your blessings come through rain drops?
What if your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near?
What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?'

Thursday, February 7, 2013

A deep, dark hole.

So..a vampire can only die if a wood stake is drove through their heart. Go with me for a a vampire, you will most likely never die unless you are killed or you kill yourself. Think about everything you could do and see and learn and experience.

Even though the thought of living forever is a comfort to some, it is a burden to others. A burden that you have absolutely no idea how to lift or get rid of. A burden that, on some days was so heavy that the thought of a steak through your heart was a bit of a sweet relief. One that you would welcome. On some days..

As much as the thought of dying so that I would not feel the pain anymore was tempting, I had this deep fear of dying. I guess that's what happens when you walk so far away from God that you are scared to die because you wonder if He still considers you His daughter. If you still have a secure home when you die. Everything I knew was being challenged. I was questioning everything. Because when all of your security is taken away from you like someone has ripped the rug out from under your feet, you start questioning all security you ever had and you hold on to everything that you can control. And you don't let go...for anything.
And you think you're starting to feel secure again because you hold on to everything you can control. You start feeling safe again. You start thinking things are okay again. I am holding everything in my hands and not letting them go. But in my heart..things are not okay. I don't feel secure in their. I feel such a deep sadness, a hole so large and dark that I'm too scared to go into because I don't know if I'll ever come out. But I'm not sure how to make that okay. I'm not sure how to stop that pain. So, I'll just ignore it for now...maybe it'll just go away.

In the meantime, I am slowly losing my grip on reality and saneness. I'm holding on to everything but I am losing it mentally...and I mean losing it. I was entering a place mentally that I didn't know what to do with. I wasn't really sure how I got here and I certainly had no idea how to get out. I was scared. I felt tortured and alone. I couldn't tell someone the things that were going through my mind because surely, they would admit me to a mental institute or stop being friends with me or...never look at me the same again. So I held it in and suffered through for a long time. For way too long.

This is my voice from my experience and my goal is to give hope to someone whom my voice might resonate with.

(and no, I don't really believe in vampires.) :)