Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Where do I go from here?

When you go through something traumatic, depending on how traumatic it is to you, you lose a part of yourself. For me, I lost all of myself. It felt like a mac truck had run over all of who I was & left it torn, mangled & unrecognizable. There was no putting it back together myself, no easy fix or insurance I could call for help and there was certainly no going back. I was left on the side of the road, bewildered and confused with this wreckage in front of me. I didn't know how to go on because all that made me who I was, was left destroyed...completely destroyed.

I tried to pick up some of the pieces to help me recognize myself so that as I started down the long road ahead I wouldn't be completely lost. As I began to walk away from the wreckage, I tried to remember some of who I was to try to hold on to some part of me that I knew. How can I just begin again? With what? I knew who I was back there. Can't I just go back?? ... .if only I could just go back. It was way more comfortable back there. I don't like being lost on this road alone.

I've lost myself. How do I find it again? Is there even something to find?

I'm a fixer. When there is a problem, my mind immediately goes to work to find the best possible solution. Because, there's always a solution. Except this time. My mind was failing me. I kept racking my brain to try to come up with something and...nothing. Nothing.

I am completely lost. There is no map to find my way home. My gps isn't working & I have no idea which turn to take or what exit to get off of. I'm just cruising down the road ahead, in a daze. Maybe I'll start speeding so that I'll get pulled over & ask a police officer for help...but then I would get a ticket and have to deal with that. Not worth it. So, I'll just keep cruising...maybe I'll get in an accident eventually and lose all of my memory so that I won't have to deal with this mess inside of me. That almost sounds better right about now.

Wow, I sound really weak. I need to wake up. I need to do something about this. I need to start finding myself again. I need to start somewhere...there is always hope. As hard as this road has been to walk, there is a hope that is deep in my heart, that I know has carried & protected me this far. A hope that has been the reason why I haven't given up.

To start again...where do I go from here? Well, I could get off at the next exit & ask for help. I was taught well growing up. I have knowledge from very wise & loving people that prepared me for this moment, whether they knew it or not. I can do this. I can start there. I can get off the next exit...who knows what I'll find.

Okay, here we exit. I'll start here.

One day, while I was going to cosmetology school in Michigan, I was on my way to Walmart for some groceries and my brother called me and said, "Miranda Lambert just came out with a new song, 'The House That Built Me' & you have to listen to it. It's our song." When I got home, I youtube'd it. It changed the way I looked at myself & my situation.

That song might not mean much to you but to me, it meant everything in that time of my life.

Every time I hear that song, I remember the time that I began again. That song gave me hope.

It's been about four years since then. Four years since I started to find myself again. When I look back at the last four years, I would never want to repeat them but the thankfulness I feel for them is indescribable. How is that possible? I don't know. But I do know that there is hope. Hope isn't always filled with sunshine and flowers. Sometimes hope shows you that there is an after. Even if you have to start all over again.

*Have you had to begin again? Did you lose who you were somewhere? I would love to hear your story.