Sunday, May 12, 2013

I'm Angela and I'm an over-thinker.

Hi, I'm Angela & I'm an over-thinker. The first step is admitting you have a problem, right? Hmm... .I wonder if they have OT meetings..

But seriously, I think about everything before it happens, or doesn't happen. I play it out in my mind. Every. Single. Detail...Every. Single. Scenario...Every. Single. Day. I think about something and then I think about it more elaborately, over & over & get the picture.

And I think that is the root of my anxiety. Over-thinking is something that I've done since I can remember.

When you go through something traumatic, whatever negative habits you had before are now heightened. And they seem to show themselves like a monster rearing it's ugly head. When you least expect it, it swallows you whole. How do you break a habit that you've had for as long as you can remember? Well, if you're anything like me, you over-think about your over-thinking. You try to figure it out in your head while you think and over-think about it. And then you worry about why you're over-thinking what you're thinking about and all of the what if's that could happen...which, in turn causes anxiety.

So...where do you go from there? How do you stop thinking about over-thinking...but stop over-thinking?

And then you see something that stops you in your tracks. Something that takes your breath away. You see your pain & hurt in someone else. You watch a movie with your feelings poured out in front of you and all you can feel is a part of you coming alive again. And that's when I realized, I can't live another day unless I live real. I crave real. I crave raw. I crave feelings and deep breaths and smells and sounds and feeling the sun. I crave laughing and feeling love..deeply and smile with pure joy. Yes, I have done all of those things obviously but I haven't actually experienced them in about six years. It's time.

It's time to live...really live..raw, real...and to dream again..not for yesterday or the mistakes of yesterday or the hurts of yesterday but to live today, in this moment, with all you have. And tomorrow, when you begin to over-think something and feel the anxiety rising, remember what it feels like to breath deep and the feeling of hope running through your veins. Remember that in that moment, you have the power to let go & let faith rise a little more today than yesterday.

'..What if your blessings come through rain drops?
What if your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near?
What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?'