Monday, December 8, 2014

Go after it.

A dream. A passion. A goal. When you read those words do you feel inspired or saddened?

A passion that is inside of you can't be ignored. If it is, it will slowly kill you; figuratively and sometimes...eventually literally. To have a dream birthed inside of you and then to almost lose it...not many people get the chance to have it re-birthed nor the freedom to pursue it. To feel as though something you loved so much was gone - the grieving process that goes with it...and to think, some people lose it for good. That thought is keeping me up tonight. To let that fire die inside of you and never to find the flame to rekindle it again - what loss that must be. What pain must be felt. I can't seem to find sleep with that kind of heartbreak on my mind.

Ya know how people say, "You are exactly where you're suppose to be." I don't know if that statement is entirely true. You are where you have chosen to be. I can go with that.

I know what loss is and the thought of the loss of a dream scares me. Doesn't it scare you, too?

Start a conversation if you have something to add to this. I would love to hear your thoughts.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Where do I go from here?

When you go through something traumatic, depending on how traumatic it is to you, you lose a part of yourself. For me, I lost all of myself. It felt like a mac truck had run over all of who I was & left it torn, mangled & unrecognizable. There was no putting it back together myself, no easy fix or insurance I could call for help and there was certainly no going back. I was left on the side of the road, bewildered and confused with this wreckage in front of me. I didn't know how to go on because all that made me who I was, was left destroyed...completely destroyed.

I tried to pick up some of the pieces to help me recognize myself so that as I started down the long road ahead I wouldn't be completely lost. As I began to walk away from the wreckage, I tried to remember some of who I was to try to hold on to some part of me that I knew. How can I just begin again? With what? I knew who I was back there. Can't I just go back?? ... .if only I could just go back. It was way more comfortable back there. I don't like being lost on this road alone.

I've lost myself. How do I find it again? Is there even something to find?

I'm a fixer. When there is a problem, my mind immediately goes to work to find the best possible solution. Because, there's always a solution. Except this time. My mind was failing me. I kept racking my brain to try to come up with something and...nothing. Nothing.

I am completely lost. There is no map to find my way home. My gps isn't working & I have no idea which turn to take or what exit to get off of. I'm just cruising down the road ahead, in a daze. Maybe I'll start speeding so that I'll get pulled over & ask a police officer for help...but then I would get a ticket and have to deal with that. Not worth it. So, I'll just keep cruising...maybe I'll get in an accident eventually and lose all of my memory so that I won't have to deal with this mess inside of me. That almost sounds better right about now.

Wow, I sound really weak. I need to wake up. I need to do something about this. I need to start finding myself again. I need to start somewhere...there is always hope. As hard as this road has been to walk, there is a hope that is deep in my heart, that I know has carried & protected me this far. A hope that has been the reason why I haven't given up.

To start again...where do I go from here? Well, I could get off at the next exit & ask for help. I was taught well growing up. I have knowledge from very wise & loving people that prepared me for this moment, whether they knew it or not. I can do this. I can start there. I can get off the next exit...who knows what I'll find.

Okay, here we exit. I'll start here.

One day, while I was going to cosmetology school in Michigan, I was on my way to Walmart for some groceries and my brother called me and said, "Miranda Lambert just came out with a new song, 'The House That Built Me' & you have to listen to it. It's our song." When I got home, I youtube'd it. It changed the way I looked at myself & my situation.

That song might not mean much to you but to me, it meant everything in that time of my life.

Every time I hear that song, I remember the time that I began again. That song gave me hope.

It's been about four years since then. Four years since I started to find myself again. When I look back at the last four years, I would never want to repeat them but the thankfulness I feel for them is indescribable. How is that possible? I don't know. But I do know that there is hope. Hope isn't always filled with sunshine and flowers. Sometimes hope shows you that there is an after. Even if you have to start all over again.

*Have you had to begin again? Did you lose who you were somewhere? I would love to hear your story.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

What's your choice?

Hello everyone. I wanted to write a response to all of your comments, messages & texts to my last blog post. First off, thank you for your stories & kind words to me. When I was writing that post out, all I kept thinking was, 'I can't believe I'm coming to this realization. I can't be the only one. This has to be for someone.' And that is the whole point of my blog.
I also love, and I mean LOVE to hear your stories. I love to know what makes someone who they are. Please keep sharing with me. 

Since realizing that a lot of my unhappiness was coming from expectations that I had put on myself from a young age, I have been able to stop and appreciate my life and all that I have. And that is huge. I'm so thankful for that but I am also excited about what's ahead because I can finally believe in good again and that, is huge as well. 

Am I still sad sometimes of the thought that I don't have some of things that I wish I had right now, of course. And I think that's okay. I think it's okay to be sad sometimes. Have a good cry to a sad country song and then crank up & rock out to the next one. You choose.

I am figuring out how to begin again. Learning who I am...I get to be who I want to be without having to answer to anyone. I can begin again & create what I want without having to drag a husband or children through that with me. I get to do that now, at 29 years old and I feel blessed for that. Not everyone gets this privilege. 

I want to be in today, not tomorrow. I want to gain wisdom today for tomorrow. I'm done with yesterday. I want right now, sitting on my couch...relaxing. :)

How about you?

Monday, May 12, 2014

Bedtime realizations & confessions.

It was almost as though, I couldn't fall asleep last night until I typed this out. I had to get this down on paper.

I think we as humans, have a tendency that when we want something, we think we should have it. I HATE not having things I want. 

When I lay down at night to go to bed, I for some reason, don't want to turn the lights off & go to sleep. The thought of just going into my room at night, getting in bed, turning the lights off & going to sleep is a lonely & unsettling thought. I also get that feeling when I'm laying on the couch. I should be focusing on just relaxing but all I can think about is: let's go, let's do something, I'm going to be 30 years old this year & I'm relaxing on the couch, in the apartment I live in, with my mother?!? I am going to be 30 this year & I still haven't met the man I'm going to marry?!? I never once, in all of my daydreaming about my future when I was younger, EVER imagined myself still relaxing on my mother's couch, i.e. still living with her at 30 years old! This is very unsettling for me. I feel as though, I should be doing more with my life. I should have something more to show for my life at 30. 

I guess I feel as though I'm failing because, I guess the fact that I can't live on my own financially right now, at 30 years old, makes me a failure. When I was younger, thinking about my life, I was suppose to have my professional, ministry & family life in full force by now. I was going to be married with at least three children by this age. I failed myself. I failed my 15 year old self. I was suppose to be way more successful by now. But I'm not. 

I feel unsettled with my life because I am not living up to the expectations my 15 year old self put on my 30 year old self. I'm not happy where I am because I think I should be somewhere else (whoa). Doing something more. With more money. With my own place. With a car that isn't over ten years old. With my own furniture to relax on, that I paid for with my own money. So that I can have everything my 15 year old self planned to have by now. 

I have based my happiness on what I had always thought I would have by now. 

I am not okay with my life because this is not where I wanted or was suppose to be.

How do you become okay with where you are when you dreamed about being somewhere else at this point in your life? 

Am I the only one? 

*I have admitted things in this blog post that scare me to share. But if I'm not truthful, then what's the point of sharing my heart with you all? 

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Happiness? I've got it covered.

A white wedding ball gown with a tiara, arm & arm with my father walking me down the aisle, a beautiful house in a newly built development, a perfect puppy, 5 children, a church leader husband who would get me & we would talk out all our disagreements, full-time ministry career and throw in there a perfectly fluffed pillow. Doing all of this while having Jennifer Anniston's body & hair. -My expectations of my happy future, in a nutshell. Yes, I thought this was all possible. 

Happiness? I had that covered. I had everything covered. Come on, I had my world perfectly crafted. Did I have a relationship with God? I had the BEST relationship with God. Did I trust Him, you ask? don't know what you're talking about. I grew up in the church, of course I trusted God-I said I did, didn't I? 
                                                                       I said a lot of things. And I was good at it. 

I mean, I did have a pretty good upbringing. I honestly don't know that I even knew what it meant to put my trust in God because, I never really needed to. So I never really did. But I had great hair...oh and the perfect shade of lipstick on, at all times.

For those of you that weren't taught the Bible growing up, or why it matters whether I trust God or not & what that has to do with my life...I'm no preacher, and I don't know it all but I do know that if it wasn't for God, I wouldn't be sitting here typing this blog out, plain & simple. That may be hard for you to understand. It would be for me, too, if I didn't grow up in a home & a church where I learned about God from the time I was born. I hope I can answer some of your questions about God through some of my posts & I hope you don't stop reading my posts just because I talk about Him. This is my heart. Not my preaching platform. Anytime you would like to share your heart with me, no matter what's inside, I would love to listen. This is just what's inside mine.

So, 7 years ago, if you were to ask me how my life was, I would've said, perfect. Because, I truly thought it was. Little did I know the secrets leering behind corners and crevices that I never bothered to look around because I really had no reason to. I had trusting God and being happy in. the. bag. Pshhh, nothing could have taken any part of my perfect happy life away from me.

Insert tornado, world falling apart here. Jump ahead 6 years (you can go back & read previous posts to reference my anxiety & fear ridden life from 2007-2013) and here we are. 

Happiness...what does it look like now? A white dress? More like about 10 colorful bridesmaids ones. Do I have a husband? Not even close. 5 children? Ha, I don't even know if that's possible anymore. A development home? No way. A perfect puppy? I'm not allowed to have pets in the apartment I'm living in. I even cringe at some of these things that I thought I wanted. So, if I had those things now, how would I feel? 

I could sit here & give you an updated and more realistic list of what I want for my life. A list that you wouldn't roll your eyes at and it would make perfect sense. But even if I could check off everything on that list today, it wouldn't make me truly happy. Will it add to my happiness? Yes, but I realized something... 
I realized that happiness isn't about getting what you want in life, but what you do with what you have right now. 

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Hi, I'm back.

I know that it's been a while since I posted last. And I know that I haven't kept up with this blog. And I now realize that I probably should have waited to start it until now...if you read my future posts, you'll find out why. My plan is to commit to posting once a week. My blog has a new look and a new title...because, it's a new blog. Let's get started.

As mentioned in earlier posts, I am here to tell my story. I have been realizing a lot lately that there is NO way I went through what I did for nothing. It can't be. It just can't. I have changed A LOT in the last 7 years, since tragedy struck my life. I am not the same person I was 7 years ago...and I didn't realize it as a good thing until now. 

It took me about 6 years to come to a place of peace & happiness. To go through the point where you don't know where that light at the end of the tunnel that everyone talks about is. Then to come out from that tunnel and have the sun shine on your face and you take your first deep breath in and out in a long first thought - this can't be real. I mean, I just went through, what I thought as hell on earth, and this is it? As you can tell, I'm not a glass half full type of person. When I came out from the other side of the dark, scary tunnel to life...right in front of me, the first thought that came to my mind was - What's next? And I don't mean the - life full of opportunity, can't wait to start living, I love my life what's next? I mean the - I can't be too happy because I'll be caught off guard again by something horrible. So, I was always looking for the - What's next? - so the rug wouldn't be ripped out from under my feet again. I know, I had the dream life everyone wanted :). But I created it myself. I had to protect myself from anything bad that could possibly happen to me. Because that's possible.

 So about 4 years into major anxiety and fear - I finally feel as though I've conquered it and I can start living...the part of my mind that was still scarred wouldn't let me. I wasn't able to truly allow myself to be happy because, I didn't believe that happiness was for me. I didn't believe that I could experience true happiness. It's actually still kind of hard for me to accept. It's funny how our minds want something...but your mind can come up with a gazillion reasons why and how that can't and can work. Our minds are tricky places. Which we have to guard and protect. I didn't know this until about a year ago. I so badly wanted to just forget EVERYTHING and live like everyone else! I wanted a life full of love and joy and marriage and babies and holiday gatherings and going after my dreams and just sunshine and happy tears ALL THE TIME. But reality is, no one is like anyone else. I'm not like you and you're not like me and it took me a long time to be okay with that, as well. I want what you have...because it looks so much cooler than what I have. At least you make it look that cool and I'm in no way that cool, so I want to be just like you...not me. That was a mindset that I have had since childhood. 

And who can be truly happy when you're looking at everyone else's happiness & wishing it was yours? Why can't I be truly happy with what I have?

Little did I know that that mindset would almost ruin me as an adult.