Forgiveness and letting go.

Unforgiveness is a weird thing. You, in a way, think you already have forgiven someone but then all of a sudden, out of nowhere his name comes up and this anger rises up from somewhere inside you that you didn't know was there. And if you're anything like me you think, where in the world did that come from? I thought I let all my crap go a long time ago. You see, when there's years of hurt, there's going to be years of healing. It's not going to happen in one thought, in a minute or even overnight. Sometimes, I get so tired of thinking about all I still have to work through and deal with and then that makes me even more mad at the person I'm trying to forgive for giving me that much to work through. That's where grace comes in. Grace for yourself. In the past 10 years, I've had numerous people say to me, "You need to forgive your dad". "Just forgive him!" "When you look back at this time in your life, this will seem like such a small thing." "Don't wait to forgive him because we're not promised tomorrow." 

I'm so glad that me forgiving my dad is no big deal...to you. 

"How am I doing? Oh, I'm fine. Thank you so much for NOT asking."

So, if I say that I've forgiven him, will that be enough for you? Because it's more than that to me. It's more than words to me. If you've never been through it, then you don't know. End of story. And I don't mean to sound all emo here but it's just the truth. I never gave up on forgiving my dad the past 10 years, I just didn't know how to do it. It took 10 years of me working on myself to get to a place of being able to begin to forgive him in my heart and not just in my mind. For other people, it's all about how something looks. But to me, it was more personal than that. You want everything "good" so there's no awkwardness but my heart is telling me something very different. 

Don't give in to peer pressure. If you need time, take the time. You can't force yourself to forgive someone. It's about your heart and your heart is important.

So, what does beginning to forgive someone look like? Something like, beginning to let things go, little by little. The hurt, the pain. To begin to remember the good things you shared with that person.  

To mourn the loss of the idea of the father I thought I had. 

To realize that they are a human being & whatever choices they have made in their life have most likely come from a place of hurt & pain in themselves. Forgiveness has nothing to do with the person you're forgiving but it has everything to do with setting yourself free. I always justified that my dad doesn't deserve my forgiveness because of reasons a,b & c. But those reasons were things that made me angry so, they were only affecting me, not him. So, who is the real one suffering? Forgiveness has everything to do with you. So, don't be fooled that you're somehow getting back at that person by not forgiving them. They might not deserve your forgiveness but your heart does. Allow yourself the time and grace it will take to forgive that person. I'm not totally there and I have no idea how long it will take but I can already breathe lighter and feel happier. You deserve to breathe lighter and feel happier. You deserve freedom. You don't deserve the demons or the shallow breaths. It's a labor of hurt, pain, love and beauty. Allow yourself to feel it all and once you let things go, shut those doors, lock them up and throw away the key. And every time they start making noise, remind them that they are no longer a part of you and you're moving on without them. Because you're strong, capable and worth it. Because the rest of your life is waiting for you.