Thursday, April 17, 2014

Happiness? I've got it covered.

A white wedding ball gown with a tiara, arm & arm with my father walking me down the aisle, a beautiful house in a newly built development, a perfect puppy, 5 children, a church leader husband who would get me & we would talk out all our disagreements, full-time ministry career and throw in there a perfectly fluffed pillow. Doing all of this while having Jennifer Anniston's body & hair. -My expectations of my happy future, in a nutshell. Yes, I thought this was all possible. 

Happiness? I had that covered. I had everything covered. Come on, I had my world perfectly crafted. Did I have a relationship with God? I had the BEST relationship with God. Did I trust Him, you ask? don't know what you're talking about. I grew up in the church, of course I trusted God-I said I did, didn't I? 
                                                                       I said a lot of things. And I was good at it. 

I mean, I did have a pretty good upbringing. I honestly don't know that I even knew what it meant to put my trust in God because, I never really needed to. So I never really did. But I had great hair...oh and the perfect shade of lipstick on, at all times.

For those of you that weren't taught the Bible growing up, or why it matters whether I trust God or not & what that has to do with my life...I'm no preacher, and I don't know it all but I do know that if it wasn't for God, I wouldn't be sitting here typing this blog out, plain & simple. That may be hard for you to understand. It would be for me, too, if I didn't grow up in a home & a church where I learned about God from the time I was born. I hope I can answer some of your questions about God through some of my posts & I hope you don't stop reading my posts just because I talk about Him. This is my heart. Not my preaching platform. Anytime you would like to share your heart with me, no matter what's inside, I would love to listen. This is just what's inside mine.

So, 7 years ago, if you were to ask me how my life was, I would've said, perfect. Because, I truly thought it was. Little did I know the secrets leering behind corners and crevices that I never bothered to look around because I really had no reason to. I had trusting God and being happy in. the. bag. Pshhh, nothing could have taken any part of my perfect happy life away from me.

Insert tornado, world falling apart here. Jump ahead 6 years (you can go back & read previous posts to reference my anxiety & fear ridden life from 2007-2013) and here we are. 

Happiness...what does it look like now? A white dress? More like about 10 colorful bridesmaids ones. Do I have a husband? Not even close. 5 children? Ha, I don't even know if that's possible anymore. A development home? No way. A perfect puppy? I'm not allowed to have pets in the apartment I'm living in. I even cringe at some of these things that I thought I wanted. So, if I had those things now, how would I feel? 

I could sit here & give you an updated and more realistic list of what I want for my life. A list that you wouldn't roll your eyes at and it would make perfect sense. But even if I could check off everything on that list today, it wouldn't make me truly happy. Will it add to my happiness? Yes, but I realized something... 
I realized that happiness isn't about getting what you want in life, but what you do with what you have right now. 

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