Thursday, April 10, 2014

Hi, I'm back.

I know that it's been a while since I posted last. And I know that I haven't kept up with this blog. And I now realize that I probably should have waited to start it until now...if you read my future posts, you'll find out why. My plan is to commit to posting once a week. My blog has a new look and a new title...because, it's a new blog. Let's get started.

As mentioned in earlier posts, I am here to tell my story. I have been realizing a lot lately that there is NO way I went through what I did for nothing. It can't be. It just can't. I have changed A LOT in the last 7 years, since tragedy struck my life. I am not the same person I was 7 years ago...and I didn't realize it as a good thing until now. 

It took me about 6 years to come to a place of peace & happiness. To go through the point where you don't know where that light at the end of the tunnel that everyone talks about is. Then to come out from that tunnel and have the sun shine on your face and you take your first deep breath in and out in a long first thought - this can't be real. I mean, I just went through, what I thought as hell on earth, and this is it? As you can tell, I'm not a glass half full type of person. When I came out from the other side of the dark, scary tunnel to life...right in front of me, the first thought that came to my mind was - What's next? And I don't mean the - life full of opportunity, can't wait to start living, I love my life what's next? I mean the - I can't be too happy because I'll be caught off guard again by something horrible. So, I was always looking for the - What's next? - so the rug wouldn't be ripped out from under my feet again. I know, I had the dream life everyone wanted :). But I created it myself. I had to protect myself from anything bad that could possibly happen to me. Because that's possible.

 So about 4 years into major anxiety and fear - I finally feel as though I've conquered it and I can start living...the part of my mind that was still scarred wouldn't let me. I wasn't able to truly allow myself to be happy because, I didn't believe that happiness was for me. I didn't believe that I could experience true happiness. It's actually still kind of hard for me to accept. It's funny how our minds want something...but your mind can come up with a gazillion reasons why and how that can't and can work. Our minds are tricky places. Which we have to guard and protect. I didn't know this until about a year ago. I so badly wanted to just forget EVERYTHING and live like everyone else! I wanted a life full of love and joy and marriage and babies and holiday gatherings and going after my dreams and just sunshine and happy tears ALL THE TIME. But reality is, no one is like anyone else. I'm not like you and you're not like me and it took me a long time to be okay with that, as well. I want what you have...because it looks so much cooler than what I have. At least you make it look that cool and I'm in no way that cool, so I want to be just like you...not me. That was a mindset that I have had since childhood. 

And who can be truly happy when you're looking at everyone else's happiness & wishing it was yours? Why can't I be truly happy with what I have?

Little did I know that that mindset would almost ruin me as an adult. 

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