Sunday, August 7, 2016

Joy is my motivation.

Why is moving to a new place so hard, amazing, exhilarating, lonely, exciting, fun, overwhelming, magical but hard? Sunset is my favorite time. Sitting here, trying to breath in the humid, moist filled air, watching the salmon colored sky sink into the night. I never minded being alone or in a room full of people but I don't think I've ever been somewhere for a long period of time (or knowing that it would be a long period of time) without people around me that knew me. That I felt totally comfortable with. And I know that will happen once I'm here longer but tonight, it's how it is. It's also strange to get to know yourself somewhere where no one really knows you. You start to realize things that you didn't realize before. 

A couple of weeks ago, I started to realize that I had lost my joy. The kind of joy I had 10, 15 years ago. And I knew that it had to do with my dad but I didn't know how. He wasn't in my life because of his issues. And that's all fine and good but when do you stop blaming someone for it? What do you do with the fact that you've never shed one tear over losing someone that was such a huge part of your life. Because no one teaches you how to go from having a father to not having one. And in my case, losing him but still having him living. What do you do with that? Does anyone really know? 

So, I started some digging. In myself. And realized that unforgiveness is an ugly little scoundrel that creeps its way in and covers itself by your sub conscience to protect you from reliving hurt, pain & disappointment. But you want to hear the really sucky part? The only way to forgive, is to dig up the hurt, pain & disappointment. I miss being joyful. I miss having that joyful energy all the time. I don't like feeling just happy. Because I know there's more. And if you know anything about me, you know that I don't like to settle. I think that's also where I get my perfection obsession from. 

But perfect is overrated and pure joy is hard to come by. It takes work. So, you have to start somewhere to accomplish a goal. 

So, being here, alone really isn't all that bad. If it means finding my joy again, forgiving so that my heart can be happy again. Then that's what I'll do. 10 years later. It's been 10 years since my world started to fall apart. 10 years. That is a decade, a long ass time. And in the last 10 years, I have experienced a lot and I've worked through a lot. And I know that this is next on the list to work through. And I'm ready. And that's key. You have to be ready or else, you'll never realize how lucky you are to have come this far in 10 years. You would have never realized that forgiving a man who hurt you so badly would mean really living. You would never realize that you have this grand opportunity to have the time and opportunity to find your joy again. Mourning only lasts for the night...even if it does last 10 years. And you know what comes in the morning? Joy. I'm ready for morning. Because sunrises are my favorite, too. 

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