Thursday, June 23, 2011

Happy? New Year.

First of all, sorry for the long wait. Busyness & exhaustion...not good excuses but I'm back. Oh yeah, and I'm kind of dreading this whole telling my story thing...because my story isn't exactly full of rainbows & butterflies. But it is, my story. So let's get to it.

I remember the moment that my world turned upside down like it was yesterday. A bright december day, the kind where the sun shines so bright that you forget it's winter. I had on sweats and a t-shirt. I was sitting in our green recliner in the living room reading "Every Young Woman's Battle". My brother had his friends over and they were all fooling around with him in the living room, which had me laughing..until they started joking about something that wasn't so funny. Something that now, seems so unimportant but as soon as I heard it, it shook me to my core because I knew that nothing was going to be the same. I realized that my father wasn't the father that I thought he was. Well, that was only the beginning. So the ball started rolling. And, it didn't stop. That Christmas day I remember standing in the doorway to my grandmother's dining room with everyone sitting around the table laughing, talking and having a great time, as we did every Christmas day since I can remember. I knew, in that moment, that Christmas day would never be the same again.

So when everyone else was getting ready to start a new year, anticipating a fresh start, I was dreading the months/years ahead.

Over the next few months, it seemed as though the light percipitation that we had been experiencing, quickly turned into hail...and it hurt. And there was no break in the weather as far as I could see. The hail was starting to leave permanent damage.

I am not here to speak ill of my dad. I am not here to take out all of my frustrations on him. Nor is it my intention to bring his shortcomings to light. My goal is to shine, speak and declare truth over my situation. And hopefully inspire someone who might be going through something similar.
The Saturday before Easter Sunday, April of 2007 my mom and I moved out of our home and into a two bedroom. I tried to make the best of it. We moved into a cute small town, one where everyone knows everyone. I like it. The apartment?'s okay. It's not my home, though. Since that 2 bedroom, we've moved once more into another 2 bedroom where we now live.
I still wake up in the night disoriented and it takes me a minute to realize where I am and why I'm not in my old room. My bedroom with tan & saige green walls with my pink carpet that I had since I can remember. I miss that room. I miss that house. She was good to us. I feel bad for her. I feel bad that she had to see such sadness in our last days with her. We were ripped away from her so suddenly.. .I didn't even get to say goodbye.
The deeper the deceit and lies went, the deeper the hurt went and the more I died inside. This new year was getting old quick. The worst part was out of my control. Nothing I could do could change anything. I was not good at allowing things out of my control. I didn't like this.
2007 was looking grim.

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